Feeling Pity
We live in a world where words don’t match our actions. You have probably heard the saying, “Don’t tell your problems to people; 80% don’t care, and the other 20% are glad it’s you.” When you share your issues with others, whether on social media or in person, you will often hear supportive thoughts and responses. This means people will show that they care through their words, but often, that’s where it ends.
This produces two problems: we aren’t in alignment with our words and what we are saying. Let me give an example of this now.
Joe is in conversation with Jennifer.
Joe: “How is it going?”
Jennifer: “Not so great. My dog died, and I also just found out that I wouldn’t be able to move into the city I wanted to because I didn’t get the job I had desired.
Joe: “Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re okay. Is there anything I can do?” (with a sad, caring voice).
Jennifer: “Thanks, I’m not sure.”
We should point out that this is not to describe Joe as heartless. Nevertheless, this brief exchange illustrates well the fact that uttering sentences that sound like support but are not proposing any solutions does not lead anywhere. While Jennifer-as in this example-learns that if she tells her sad stories to too many people like Joe, she will be reinforced for doing so.
It is important to underline that not everyone wants to be saved, and not everyone wants a fix to their problems. This is very important; however, bad stories being brushed aside and meanness are both unreasonable ways to deal with a situation. In the world we live in, it is common to hear supportive responses to pity stories instead of empowering the person step by step to become strong enough to face bigger challenges.
Although we can’t control everything, much of what we can control is our response to whatever life throws at us. One such fallacy is that more money, friends, or relationships will somehow make problems cease to exist. The strongest people are those who suffer in silence.
On the other side, those who deserve pity and support at all times are babies and young children, since they cannot handle life themselves. And we don’t want those same behaviors carried over into adults. You can show them some level of support and care; just make it light and at the appropriate time. If he wants to be helped, guide him.
If you’re interested in exploring this subject further, consider joining MJ’s upcoming events, where these topics will be discussed in detail.
We welcome your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below. For one-on-one coaching, feel free to contact Milad Emjay