This article specifically addresses the feeling of being used. The question often arises: Why am I being used? What have I done to deserve this? How can I be good to people, and yet they mistreat me? One important thing to realize in life is the mindset of people who behave this way. Just because you’ve had negative experiences, it doesn’t mean your goodness should be destroyed. Instead, you need to shift your kind behavior. What does that mean? It means you have to be mindful of who you’re being kind to because if you’re not, you’re likely to feel miserable.
Let’s take a simpler example: most people love pizza. There might be variations in flavors, ingredients, and toppings, but generally, most people love pizza. Now, does that mean you should carry pizza all the time and give it to everyone? No. If someone is full, uninterested, or doesn’t like that particular topping, they won’t appreciate you giving them pizza. Even if they say thank you, they’re not going to eat it. And if you give it to them at the wrong time or with the wrong approach, they might even get angry with you. So, think of pizza as your kindness or good behavior. If the person isn’t ready to receive it, or if they don’t understand the difference between quality people and others, they’re going to mistreat you. For them, goodness and good qualities might mean nothing, and they won’t even recognize it, as they’re not aligned with you.
The best approach is not to become bitter because of past or current experiences. Instead, change your behavior and deliver your kindness to those who need and appreciate it. If you try to give it to just anyone around you, it’s like throwing a dart with your eyes closed and hoping to hit the bullseye—you’re likely to miss. Often, people who do this have experienced neglect in their upbringing, or the energy to receive kindness wasn’t there, so they seek it from others, hoping to get the same thing back. However, this usually doesn’t work, and most of the time, it backfires.
When you ask, “Why does this happen to me?” understand that the person or people you’re being kind to may not want, see, or understand your kindness. So, reserve it for those who are on your level. Some of my other articles have touched on this, but I’ll mention it again here: Control the amount of kindness you give to someone. Your kindness doesn’t have to be delivered at 100% to everyone. You decide the dosage. The best behavior I can suggest is to start by coming across as neutral, not overly nice. Overly nice behavior can seem fake, unpleasant, or as if you’re trying to hide something. But if you come across as neutral and avoid being a people-pleaser, over time, everyone’s true personality will be revealed. Initially, you want to reserve your pure kindness. Release it bit by bit, just like sipping water—you don’t chug three liters all at once. This way, you protect yourself from getting hurt, avoid being overused or abused, and determine whether the person deserves your kindness.
As soon as you notice any shift in someone’s behavior towards being ungrateful or unkind, pull back. Instead of giving 100% of your kindness, especially at the beginning, start with just 2%. As you get to know the person, gradually increase to 3%, 4%, 5%, etc. The moment you think, “Wait a minute, this person is ungrateful,” stop. Pull back to zero with your kindness. This is one of the safest ways for good people to avoid being mistreated or taken advantage of.
If you’re interested in exploring this subject further, consider joining MJ’s upcoming events, where these topics will be discussed in detail.
We welcome your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below. For one-on-one coaching, feel free to contact Milad Emjay
